I should start out by saying that I am writing this during a period of immense guilt. In my present state, I am feeling extremely heart broken for the people that I have hurt in my life, specifically ex-lovers. I hope that this post will still have some meaning to me even after I get over this guilt I'm feeling. I hope that even in my moments of deep sorrow I am still able to find some wisdom in what I am experiencing.
I am the worst breaker-upper on the face of this planet. I have already made a promise to myself that when my one-day son or daughter asks me the best way to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, I will defer them to their father, or whoever is the trustworthy equivalent at the time. My biggest problem is that I only half break up with people. I say, we're done...but only for now...who knows the future...I still love you...etc. It's a fucking nightmare.
But it's all very true. I don't say things that I don't mean. Ever. Words are extremely important to me. If you ask me if I still love you, I have a very very hard time of lying to you for your sake, so that you can move on. I value the truth, even if it is fucked up and confusing and causes more pain.
So the dilemma becomes - should I tell the truth to people knowing it will hurt them worse, or should I hold back a little bit to avoid more anger and pain?
You will hurt people. It will suck. It will suck hard. In fact, it will hurt more than being hurt. And there is really no excuse, and no rationalization. If you feel guilty for hurting someone, you will nit pick every conversation, every text, every look you gave them, and wonder what you could have done differently to avoid the pain. You will think maybe you should have just cut that person out of your life entirely - hell, they probably would have been better off without you. Then you will think you should have never been so selfish and should have just done whatever was going to make or keep the other person happy.
And those are all very wonderful psychological ideas you are having. You are weighing selfishness against selflessness; truth against ignorant bliss; experience against pain. And you are certainly not the first person to ponder, be confused, debate, and question how these opposing ideas can harmonize in one lifetime.
"So great, at least I'm not the only pathetic evil-doing fuck on the planet. But that still doesn't take away the other person's pain. How do I LIVE knowing I've hurt someone so badly?!"
Well, I really don't know. But what I do know is that it's best to assume you were a very small part of someone else's life. Chances are, you play only a teeny tiny role in the story of the other person's life. Even if you know you were an influential person, for better or worse, if you've hurt them that badly, there is probably someone else out there that was just as important and DIDN'T hurt them so bad. And unless you have a severe complex that makes you feel you NEED to be the most important person in everyone's life, this minimalistic attitude should help you a bit.
So, in summary, yes, you will hurt people. BADLY. You will make someone, maybe multiple people, feel the worst they've ever felt in your life (so they will claim.) But that's okay, because you are probably only a tiny spec on their radar. In the moment, anger will tell them that you've ruined their life. But in a few months or a few years, perspective will tell them that you are miniscule. And being minuscule is better than being a menace.
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